Dogs, as everyone knows, come in various types and breeds. Some are naturally playful, love to romp around and wrestle on the floor. Others are more aloof, reserved, yet trustworthy and totally loyal to their masters. Some would spend the winter lying in front of a warm fire, while others rather like to run through snowy woods. Women, I have learned, also come in different types and have different characteristics.
1) The Used Car Shopper. She's looking for a "cln, rns gd, well maintnd, lw milage, one owner" Man. She wants one that is reliable, dependable and won't require a lot of maintenance. Other than that, she figures that Men, like Cars, are all pretty much alike. She doesn't find either to be particularly interesting or exciting, doesn't care what makes them run, what makes one unique or different from another, and doesn't want to spend a lot of time or attention on them. However, it is inconvenient not to have one, so she wants one. I can always tell when I meet a woman like this, because she assumes, since we are in the same age and economic range, that we should go out together. No spark, no passion, just a generic "ehh, you meet my criteria, you'll do." I, on the other hand, am looking for the woman who comes up to me, smiles, and thinks, "well, he may have a few miles on him, but with a little love and attention, I bet he'll be a real Hot Rod!!!".
2) The Jig Saw Puzzle Finisher. Her life is complete. She has her career, her home, her family, her friends, her dog (and/or cat). She knows what hobbies and sports she likes, what paintings to hang on the wall and where she wants to go on vacation. But something is missing. It may just be a cloud on the horizon, not a central piece of the puzzle, but still, without it the picture isn't quite complete. And that, of course, is a Man (or relationship, if, as a feminist, she avoids using That Word). She isn't looking for a Generic Man, because she isn't going to change anything in her life. He must be interested in her career, appreciate her home, love her children, like her friends, share her interests and walk her dog (and/or cat). I, of course, wasn't there when she was excited about her new job or promotion, didn't help her choose what house and neighborhood to live in, and wasn't the father of her children. I have a puzzle of my own all put together, which I will be glad to make major changes to, for the right woman. And I will do the same to hers. If her children act like brats I will tell them so. If her friends are jerks I will treat them like jerks. I may change the pictures on her walls, or even move the walls. And I already know where I want to go on vacation.
3) Finally, there is the Retirement Planner. She doesn't care if you are interested in her career, like her friends, can tolerate her children and dog (and/or cat), or share her taste in art, for you won't be that involved with any of them. She is quite satisfied with her life as it is now, and doesn't need to share her friends, family and pets with anyone. But she knows the time will come when her children will have grown, her friends moved away, or dog (and/or cat) died, and she will be ready to cash in her 401k plan to take that dream cruise or European vacation. And then she will need a companion. So she wants to start building a relationship now, much as she contributes to a retirement plan, to cash it in, with interest, when it is needed. Except of course, that I have no interest.
And so, young men, I urge you to fall in love and marry NOW, while you are young, horny and stupid. Age, wisdom and understanding will only make it more difficult.
Back to Essays | Home